my first post

Sometimes I forget how tiring RA is. It seems almost like an oxymoron, “forgetting” the pain of a chronic disease. I guess the brain really is good at deceiving us sometimes. That, or we’re really good at denial.

I made a long road trip up the California coast this past weekend and remembered why I don’t like to travel in big groups, especially if not all of them know about my RA. It’s hard to keep the front of being tired from the long car ride (and not the chronic exhaustion of an autoimmune disease) when everyone else is so…capable. I don’t know why I choose to tell some people, but not everyone. I think it’s because I couldn’t deal with all that sympathy; I’m so used to being independent. I don’t want people’s opinions of me to be shaded by this one facet of who I am. Or maybe it’s that tricky little denial working its magic again. The less people know, the more I can pretend that I’m “normal.”

I think I am always at the extremes of sharing about myself; I either share WAY too much too soon, or I keep it all in until a ridiculous amount of time has passed. I never know when the right time to share is. I haven’t told my new boss (of three months) that I have RA, but sometimes I wonder how long I can hold off on that. I’m sure they’re bound to notice that I am ducking out every other month to see the doctor. Or with the new guy I’m seeing. We’ve been out on a few dates, but it definitely isn’t serious enough for me to consider telling him yet. A big part of me is worried that any guy I date will hear that I have RA and run screaming, so I almost feel like I have to withhold that information until later if I want to have any sort of dating life. But on the flip side, I hate not being honest and straightforward from the beginning. I walk the line between telling them right from the get-go (and giving them the chance to run screaming/daring them to stay) and wanting to delay telling them just to keep them around for a little longer.

My good friend Mike once asked me how RA affected my relationships. It’s hard to help people who don’t have RA understand just how MUCH RA invades every single thought, feeling, and action. I know this is completely ridiculous, but I keep people at bay because I don’t want others to worry about me. If I should have an accident or my RA should worsen, I don’t want to put others around me in a position to feel obligated to help me. I am THE exremist when it comes to self-reliance.

Anyway, this is my first venture into the world of RA blogging. More to come in the near future!