spark

i truly will never understand how people work. never. relationships are this big, engimatic mess that i never seem to get right. last night i hung out with cupcake boy, who pretty much told me he didn’t “spark” with me. it was such a weird night overall that i think i’m still processing it. i was at yoga and he called me, telling me he couldn’t get romantically involved right now. we got to talking a little more, and he disclosed that he couldn’t have kids due to this nerve disorder he has. funny thing was, he thought that i wanted kids, for some reason. not that i do or don’t, but i don’t think i’ve ever even discussed that with him. so i told him about my RA and how my drugs would cause me to have serious child-birthing issues. it was a weird conversation to be having right outside my yoga studio, but it had to happen. afterwards, i went over and he had a migraine due to injections he gets for his CIDP (chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy), so we just sat in the dark and talked. it was interesting..how logical and sane the “breakup” was. but how awkward, as well, because i feel like i was never given a fair chance. i want to fight and scream and stand up for what i want, but i also don’t want to bludgeon someone into having feelings for me. he said he finds me attractive, he thinks i’m a sweetheart and a good person…but the “spark” isn’t there. you know, i wasn’t head over heels from the instant i laid eyes on him, but the more i got to know about him, the more i was intrigued, at least. is it really that simple for guys; it all comes down to that initial feeling? what is that feeling, anyway, besides a bunch of random neurons firing? couldn’t that spark also be attributed to lust, which isn’t what you want long-lasting relationships to be built on, anyway? there have been plenty of guys who i’ve sparked with, ended up dating, and they ended up just fizzling out.

the odd thing is, i see my RA as a death sentence, kinda. i don’t fuss and muss and get picky over partners, especially because i don’t really know if i’ll even end up with someone. and my RA is way more treatable than his CIDP. but he doesn’t see his CIDP the same way i see my RA. he’s still picky about who he dates, letting it all come down to a “feeling;” a spark. i just don’t think i’m the type to inspire that passion in others. i’m afraid i’ll die all alone, without ever having someone care about me enough to be with me. i’m genetically unlovable.

down and out,
me