so i’m thinking about participating in this “race” that will take place in October. it’s not so much a race as it is a day of all-out silliness. my life is so heavy right now (with some of my friends’ going through some tough times, and my impending enbrel decision) that i could use a little bit of lighthearted nothingness.
cupcake boy and i are to remain friends and nothing more. the funny thing is, i’m not sure if he wants to be my friend simply because we have the autoimmune affliction bond, or if he genuinely just feels like we met at the wrong place in the wrong time. in any case, it’s rare to meet someone who is more “broken” than me.
i’m having another insomniac night. i’ve always had them, but they seem more spastic now with the RA. I remember falling victim to insomnia a lot over the summers of my childhood, often reading voraciously until the sun came up, even if it was just a book (or several books) i had already read a million and one times. i don’t know what it was, but the night owl in me begged to stay up until all hours. early on, before i was diagnosed, i remember not being able to sleep a full night because i would wake up after two or three hours in SO MUCH pain. looking back, i can’t believe i did all the things i did without medication. no wonder i look absolutely POOPED in most of my pictures from 3-4 years ago; my body was begging for some relief!
it’s almost ludicrous, thinking back, how strong denial was. i couldn’t brush my hair, walking became this funny little limp i explained away with a quick “oh, i must have hurt my ankle somehow,” taking notes in class became a battle between me and my grimace of pain on my face that i hid from the world. i ran an entire camp (which was a 24 hour job, pretty much) without any meds, and boy, was i TIRED. i did two “part time” jobs concurrently without any meds. i supervised a whole building of residents while also taking a full courseload and working two separate jobs without meds. it’s really wonder my body didn’t just up and quit on me.
as someone who never used to take ANY medication for pain (never, not for cramps, migraines, or not even when i had 3 of my wisdom teeth extracted at once), i can now say that i am eternally grateful for the miracles of modern science and the advances made in treatments available for RA!
