today i delivered some news to my friend that rocked her world. this guy who i used to date several years ago and who i’ve remained friends with since told me he’s planning on asking his girlfriend to marry him. now, this is good news, of course, but i couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness. this guy is younger than i am, and he’s already ready to pop the question and commit his life to someone else. it made me wonder what was so bad about me that i couldn’t make him like me, and so i asked him. he and i are really good friends now, and i don’t hesitate to ask him the tough questions, and he doesn’t mince words or deflect; instead he answers honestly and encouragingly. he assured me that nothing was wrong with me, but that it was just not the right time, place, “feeling”…that damn SPARK keeps coming back to haunt me! he did, however, say that he guarantees 100% that i will find someone, and i said “how can you be so sure?” and he answered “because you’re honestly an amazing person who’s fun and wonderful, and it’ll take some time but some lucky guy out there is going to figure it out and get to keep you all to himself.” why wasn’t he ever this honest and encouraging when we were dating? 
i guess he really has grown up in the years between when we dated and now.
if someone i had something with when i was healthy couldn’t even make it work with me, how will i ever find someone who WILL work with me now that i’m broken?
granted, i might be letting this all affect me a little more than it normally would because i’m sleep deprived and stressed beyond comprehension…but i gotta think that in my gut, there exists that genuine worry of finding even just a comfortable companionship with someone; someone to “grow old” with.
the funny thing is, i’m such an introvert, and i really do prefer to be independent and alone (i never really rely on others for anything)…but ever since being officially diagnosed with RA, i worry about things like growing old and having someone there.
anyway, i better get going since tonight is a rare night where i’ll get more than 4 hours of sleep!
