i’m a jerk

every now and then, i do something completely stupid that i know i shouldn’t.  love and i have been enemies in my recent life, and i can’t help but hate the bitch.  i’m in a weird timeframe right now because all my friends are either getting married, or breaking up.  me?  well, i’m in neither situation.  i’ve been in this stagnant role of a pseudo-life for a while now.

the other night, cupcake boy left me a message, saying he wasn’t avoiding me or weirded out by things; he was just super busy with work and was feeling under the weather.  the weird thing, he’s never once been dishonest to me.  he’s told me the cold, hard facts straight up from pretty much day one…and i find comfort in that.  i have a few friends who favor the “blissful ignorance” mentality, but damnit if i’m going to make a choice, i want it to be an informed one.  in any case, i’m not exactly sure where we are.

last night i texted him, and he said he was doing something for a friend, and in vain, i thought that maybe he’d ask me to hang out afterwards.  when i didn’t hear from him, i got a little lonely and called my guy friend to come hang out.  we were watching a movie, and then i got this weird little panic of “what if cupcake boy calls me to hang out afterwards?”  my friend was falling asleep watching the movie, and i felt a little flurry of panic and asked him to leave in case i heard back from cupcake boy.  he was fine with it since he had to get up early anyway, so it wasn’t that big a deal.

cupcake boy and i ended up not hanging out, but i felt like a world-class jerk for kicking my friend out.  my friendship with cupcake boy is definitely an odd one, and i’m not sure why i even want to pursue the friendship.  maybe it’s because i have so few people in my life who understand that it’s like to have a chronic illness (since he has one, as well).  maybe because i’ve so rarely come across someone who will give it to me straight, without putting on airs or without trying to be mean, but really in the interest of putting it all out there.

my friend who was over is a third year med student, and he may sympathize about my RA, but he’s healthy.  he doesn’t think about my illness 24/7, he doesn’t ask me about my health, he doesn’t HAVE to worry about things like that because he’s healthy.  in fact, he kind of avoids the issue completely.

my other friend, mg, is a fourth year med student who is the best long-distance friend a person could ever ask for.  when i was first diagnosed, he talked me through my emotions while he was supposed to be studying for exams in a three-hours-difference time zone.  when he heard that i might have to switch to enbrel (etanercept), he dug up any articles he could find on the topic and sent them to me.  when i told him about cupcake boy’s CIDP, he helped me find resources to understand what CIDP was, and then told me about the patients he had met with who had CIDP.

the funny thing is, most of my really good friendships came out of just so-so friendships in the first place, so maybe i pursue the friendship with cupcake boy because i never know what will come out of it. perhaps he’ll be a chronic, autoimmune “sympathetic ear,” so to speak.  perhaps not.  but i think i want to find out.

anyway, this has been one long, tangent of an entry.  excuse my musings, i’m just a little confused about it all…