hola de peru!

just a quick update to say that i´m in peru until <jan 9 and will return with pictures and posts after that. happy new year, everyone!

the consequences of being unflappable

i’ve decided that people can’t stand to see me sad, upset, or just having a rough time of it.  i usually play the strong card really well and wait until i’m behind closed doors to lose it.  since people are used to seeing me as this unflappable person, it bothers them when i do need someone to lean on.  i liken it to seeing your parents cry or something equally as unsettling.  i remember the one and only time i’ve ever seen my mom cry was when my grandfater (her dad) passed away.  and it literally shook me to the core, seeing my mom sob like she might break if she held any of it in, because i had never even seen her cry before that.  i felt like i was at a complete loss for words; i didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.  i think i cause that same sense of uneasiness in others when i break down.

i had a bad day yesterday.  in the grand scheme of bad days, it was a whopper of a bad day.  i happened to be talking to a friend at the time and mentioned how things were just kind of toppling down around me, and i felt like i couldn’t do anything to stop it and just wanted to sit down in the middle of it all and cry.  my friend said they were sorry, and then quickly changed the subject to something else.  now, i understand that some people are better at dealing with sadness than others.  i know that.  i’m actually pretty bad at dealing with stuff like that myself.  but i make a concerted effort, dangit.  this friend is someone who ALWAYS needs picking up, consoling, etc.  i’ve always played the patient, caring friend role, even when i didn’t necessarily agree with the situation or events.  but i was there.

i guess the thought of me possibly needing someone is enough to shake anyone to the core.  i almost never reach out, but when i do, it’s when i really need to.  and yesterday i was reaching out and coming up empty.  it just made me think how selfish some people can be, sometimes…

things are better today, but it still bothers me a bit that i don’t have very many people around me who i can truly unload to when i need to.  but that’s just me, i guess.  steadfastly, stubbornly, foolishly independent to a fault.

medication

is it hard for anyone else to remember to take their methotrexate? i mean, i’ve been taking it for over a year now, and for some reason, just lately, i’ve been having to take it late more often. i think because it’s a weekly thing, i need to reset my brain to remember every week. and with the way my schedule’s been lately, i haven’t had a regular week since lord knows when. yikes! i need to not forget, because god knows i don’t want the pre-mtx pain to ever come back!!

mario kart love song

Check out this video my friend sent me of a guy who made up a love song based on mario kart! it’s super cute…

what keeps me going

sometimes i think all i need to keep me going is the hope, the possibility, of something.  something bigger and better than the every day grind; something bigger and better than anything i could ever even have dreamt up.  i’m feeling surprisingly optimistic this holiday season, which is rare for me.  usually the holidays are long, dragging, and miserable for me.  this year, though, things are different.  and i’m not 100% sure why, but you better believe i’m hanging on to the hope that it lasts!

i guess one of my “beefs” with the holidays is the expectation of gift giving/receiving.  i don’t think holidays should necessitate gift giving; i think gifts can be given any day of the year, just to show you were thinking about that person wherever it was that you were.  but this year, even the expectation of gift giving/receiving isn’t getting me down.  i actually found myself excited at the prospect of giving gifts to my colleagues at work, maybe because this year i actually make enough money to buy gifts and not have to starve to do so!  plus it’s so not expected in my current office, which is why i want to do it even more! true appreciation stems from an absence of expectation.

today my director walked into my office and handed me a gift.  she said “my cat gwen stole my credit card and bought this for you,” and then she darted out of my office.  she’s super cute; alllllways thinking of us (her staff) and doing nice things just because.  i’d like to think if i were ever a boss, i’d be like her   with work, i guess the possibility of actually working in a functional environment where i’m appreciated (my last job was just horrendous in terms of that…not from everyone, but certain people were the worst!) is satisfaction enough.  they always reassure me that i’m doing a great job and that they’re so happy to have me, which i actually like.  i need to know i matter, or else why stay there?  if a monkey could do my job, or they made me feel like anyone could pick up where i left off if i ever quit, then why stay?

with life in general, the possibility of things definitely keeps me going.  the possibility of meeting a great love in some random fashion.  the possibility of meeting up with good friends for an impromptu dinner when you least expect it.  the possibiliy of a steaming hot cup of coffee on a cold, blustery day.  the possibility of watching the sun set over the gorgeous ocean when i’m feeling frazzled and out-of-sorts.  if you don’t live for the little things like possibilities, then are you really living?

i’m also hoppeful for the possibility of health.  with mtx, i am able to function and function at quite a high and, dare i say, almost normal level.  from what i hear, etanercept/enbrel is even better!  again, possibility.

anyway, enough rambling for tonight! I hope everyone is enjoying the kickoff of the holiday season!