the consequences of being unflappable

i’ve decided that people can’t stand to see me sad, upset, or just having a rough time of it.  i usually play the strong card really well and wait until i’m behind closed doors to lose it.  since people are used to seeing me as this unflappable person, it bothers them when i do need someone to lean on.  i liken it to seeing your parents cry or something equally as unsettling.  i remember the one and only time i’ve ever seen my mom cry was when my grandfater (her dad) passed away.  and it literally shook me to the core, seeing my mom sob like she might break if she held any of it in, because i had never even seen her cry before that.  i felt like i was at a complete loss for words; i didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.  i think i cause that same sense of uneasiness in others when i break down.

i had a bad day yesterday.  in the grand scheme of bad days, it was a whopper of a bad day.  i happened to be talking to a friend at the time and mentioned how things were just kind of toppling down around me, and i felt like i couldn’t do anything to stop it and just wanted to sit down in the middle of it all and cry.  my friend said they were sorry, and then quickly changed the subject to something else.  now, i understand that some people are better at dealing with sadness than others.  i know that.  i’m actually pretty bad at dealing with stuff like that myself.  but i make a concerted effort, dangit.  this friend is someone who ALWAYS needs picking up, consoling, etc.  i’ve always played the patient, caring friend role, even when i didn’t necessarily agree with the situation or events.  but i was there.

i guess the thought of me possibly needing someone is enough to shake anyone to the core.  i almost never reach out, but when i do, it’s when i really need to.  and yesterday i was reaching out and coming up empty.  it just made me think how selfish some people can be, sometimes…

things are better today, but it still bothers me a bit that i don’t have very many people around me who i can truly unload to when i need to.  but that’s just me, i guess.  steadfastly, stubbornly, foolishly independent to a fault.