what keeps me going

sometimes i think all i need to keep me going is the hope, the possibility, of something.  something bigger and better than the every day grind; something bigger and better than anything i could ever even have dreamt up.  i’m feeling surprisingly optimistic this holiday season, which is rare for me.  usually the holidays are long, dragging, and miserable for me.  this year, though, things are different.  and i’m not 100% sure why, but you better believe i’m hanging on to the hope that it lasts!

i guess one of my “beefs” with the holidays is the expectation of gift giving/receiving.  i don’t think holidays should necessitate gift giving; i think gifts can be given any day of the year, just to show you were thinking about that person wherever it was that you were.  but this year, even the expectation of gift giving/receiving isn’t getting me down.  i actually found myself excited at the prospect of giving gifts to my colleagues at work, maybe because this year i actually make enough money to buy gifts and not have to starve to do so!  plus it’s so not expected in my current office, which is why i want to do it even more! true appreciation stems from an absence of expectation.

today my director walked into my office and handed me a gift.  she said “my cat gwen stole my credit card and bought this for you,” and then she darted out of my office.  she’s super cute; alllllways thinking of us (her staff) and doing nice things just because.  i’d like to think if i were ever a boss, i’d be like her 🙂  with work, i guess the possibility of actually working in a functional environment where i’m appreciated (my last job was just horrendous in terms of that…not from everyone, but certain people were the worst!) is satisfaction enough.  they always reassure me that i’m doing a great job and that they’re so happy to have me, which i actually like.  i need to know i matter, or else why stay there?  if a monkey could do my job, or they made me feel like anyone could pick up where i left off if i ever quit, then why stay?

with life in general, the possibility of things definitely keeps me going.  the possibility of meeting a great love in some random fashion.  the possibility of meeting up with good friends for an impromptu dinner when you least expect it.  the possibiliy of a steaming hot cup of coffee on a cold, blustery day.  the possibility of watching the sun set over the gorgeous ocean when i’m feeling frazzled and out-of-sorts.  if you don’t live for the little things like possibilities, then are you really living?

i’m also hoppeful for the possibility of health.  with mtx, i am able to function and function at quite a high and, dare i say, almost normal level.  from what i hear, etanercept/enbrel is even better!  again, possibility.

anyway, enough rambling for tonight! I hope everyone is enjoying the kickoff of the holiday season!

World AIDS Day

December 1st is World AIDS Day.  Go to Light To Unite to light a virtual candle.  Bristol-Myers Squibb used to match a dollar amount for a certain number of candles listed.  I’m not sure if they still do that, but go there anyway and light a (virtual) candle.  Thanks!

who the heck

decides that they’re going to do laundry at 3 in the morning?  also, who the heck decides to cook a full on meal at 2am, banging every cabinet door shut at least 3 times?  oh, that’s right, my STUPID housemate does!!

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and now i’m sleep-deprived and cranky 😦

clean bill of health!

so i finally was able to meet with my Rheumatologist the other day.  I never know what to expect, since the last time I met with him, he made it sound like I was deteriorating fast and that I should switch from methotrexate (MTX) to enbrel/etanercept pretty quickly.  this time, he made it seem like i was doing great, and even emphasizing it by pumping his arm when he said it.

“you’re doing great!” *arm pump*

i think he just forgot how our last meeting went.  that happens when you don’t see your patients for months and months at a time.  my previous rheumatologist met with me every month for the better part of a year, which kind of drove me insane to have to drive out every month and take time off of work, but he really worked to build that relationship.  he made me feel like he cared about me and really knew my history and symptomology.  true, he may have just been better at reading charts before meeting patients than my new rheum., but whatever it was, i appreciated it!

we went over my labs, which he said were okay.  i had had some previous scares with low WBC, but they were holding steady at 3.9 for the past two tests.  i think they had dipped down to 2 or lower in those scary moments.  but now i’m holding somewhat steady at 3.9.  I guess a normal person has between 4-5, so I’m close enough to that to be considered okay.

it’s funny, he kept saying “you’re young, you’re healthy” during our conversation.  now that i think about it, my last rheum. did that, too.  they both refer to the fact that i’m healthy.  but isn’t it kind of weird to call a girl with an autoimmune disease “healthy”?  in any case, i was updated him on my vaccines to make sure everything was spiffy (it was), and he said it was okay for me to take mtx and the stuff the travel clinic prescribed me for Peru.  all in all, a clean bill of health!

oh, and an update on the whole lost P.I.C. thing: turns out his friend passed away, so he had been in hiding for a little bit.  silly how certain things will slap the perspective right back into a person/situation.

anyway, Peru plans are slowly being cemented down (YAY!).  wish me luck!

Peru progress report

I am happy to report that the trip to Peru is DEFINITELY back on!  After MUCH chasing down of answers, I found out that the only live vaccine I would need was typhoid (since I’m not planning on going to the Amazon), and they offer that in a “killed,” or “non-live” version!  😀  Methotrexate isn’t the end-all, after-all!  I mean, I appreciate the functionality it brings back to my life, for sure, but I thought my travel plans were for sure in the toilet because of it.  Alas, MTX isn’t a damper and I am so happy I could do a cartwheel!

I got my hep a and tetanus shots yesterday, as well as the flu shot (you never know! 😛 ), I booked my tickets last night, and now all i need to do is get my typhoid shot tomorrow and I’ll be all vaccinated!

now if i could only find a way to ease the soreness in my arms from all the shots!  I keep forgetting about them until I brush my shoulders against something and send pain waves up and down my arm!