travel restrictions due to live vaccinations

today i was hit in the face with the depressing reality of living with RA.  I’ve been on methotrexate (MTX) for a while now, and have actually never really had too many side effects.  but today – oh today.

i keep denying that i am broken.  i know this.  anyone who reads this blog knows this.  but today, i could not deny it.

a friend and i had been planning a trip to peru.  everything was almost in the works, but then i started wondering about immunizations and vaccinations i might need.  every website i visited said something different, and some of the vaccines i need are offered in “non-live” form (versus the live form which would basically kill me in my immunosuppressed state), but the general consensus was that i would need yellow fever…and that is only offered in live form.  this is absolutely NOT recommended, since i’m immunosuppressed as a result of the MTX.  my old rheumatologist would have gotten back to me directly had i left a message asking about this, but my new rheumatologist is a d-bag.  he’s an un-caring, un-empathetic man who doesn’t give two craps about his patients.  I really hate my company for forcing me to switch insurance companies and having to choose a new specialist.  but because i’m no longer their patient, they can’t “advise” me.  i mean, i understand their point – who wants to possibly get sued by someone who isn’t legally their patient anymore, even if they were just trying to be helpful?

healthcare in the U.S. is so messed up.

and my friend wasn’t making it any better, demanding to know when i would know for sure if i could go or not because if i end up not being able to go to Peru, she “still wants to go somewhere over break.”  the tone i got was that she was basically  blaming me for ruining her plans because of this f***ing disease that i have no control over.  i was livid…and then i got sad.

this is my reality.  i can’t change the fact that there MAY be some things i cannot do, no matter how MUCH i deny my disability.  but until now, i’ve been able to coast along, pretending like everything is okay.  i’m so angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed, pissed off…EVERYTHING! that there may be some places i can’t even travel to because of the stupid live vaccines.

i’m feeling quite disheartened at the moment.  has anyone out there gotten a live vaccination while on MTX, or know someone who has?  specifically yellow fever?  i’m just searching for answers and a possible silver lining…but it’s not looking good. 😦

insomnia

so i’m thinking about participating in this “race” that will take place in October.  it’s not so much a race as it is a day of all-out silliness.  my life is so heavy right now (with some of my friends’ going through some tough times, and my impending enbrel decision) that i could use a little bit of lighthearted nothingness.

cupcake boy and i are to remain friends and nothing more.  the funny thing is, i’m not sure if he wants to be my friend simply because we have the autoimmune affliction bond, or if he genuinely just feels like we met at the wrong place in the wrong time.  in any case, it’s rare to meet someone who is more “broken” than me.

i’m having another insomniac night.  i’ve always had them, but they seem more spastic now with the RA.  I remember falling victim to insomnia a lot over the summers of my childhood, often reading voraciously until the sun came up, even if it was just a book (or several books) i had already read a million and one times.  i don’t know what it was, but the night owl in me begged to stay up until all hours.  early on, before i was diagnosed, i remember not being able to sleep a full night because i would wake up after two or three hours in SO MUCH pain.  looking back, i can’t believe i did all the things i did without medication.  no wonder i look absolutely POOPED in most of my pictures from 3-4 years ago; my body was begging for some relief!

it’s almost ludicrous, thinking back, how strong denial was.  i couldn’t brush my hair, walking became this funny little limp i explained away with a quick “oh, i must have hurt my ankle somehow,” taking notes in class became a battle between me and my grimace of pain on my face that i hid from the world.  i ran an entire camp (which was a 24 hour job, pretty much) without any meds, and boy, was i TIRED.  i did two “part time” jobs concurrently without any meds.  i supervised a whole building of residents while also taking a full courseload and working two separate jobs without meds.  it’s really wonder my body didn’t just up and quit on me.

as someone who never used to take ANY medication for pain (never, not for cramps, migraines, or not even when i had 3 of my wisdom teeth extracted at once), i can now say that i am eternally grateful for the miracles of modern science and the advances made in treatments available for RA!